They exchanged greetings, and then Sarek got straight to the point. “Spock. It is fortunate that I have reached you. It has become necessary that I inquire after your health.”
“My health is more than adequate. I would have had you informed if it had been otherwise.”
“Then you are not experiencing mental distress?”
“Should I be?”
“In the past three months 1,267 of the remaining Vulcans have experienced emotional sickness as a result of their broken bonds. Their mental shields simply cannot be sustained in the face of such overwhelming loss. The loss of bondmates on top of familial bonds has caused depression, insanity, and attempted suicide.” Sarek scrutinized him. “I did not know if you were aware of this phenomenon on board the Enterprise, and that you are likely to be vulnerable.”
Spock shook his head. “I am not affected. T’Pring and I were not close. Her loss does not affect me on a personal level, and my shields are holding.”
“You have checked? You have not seen a healer in years, Spock. You are a young Vulcan, and have only just lost your mother. You are a prime candidate for shield collapse and the accompanying sickness.”
“I have not recently examined my shields, but I have not experienced mental distress. On the contrary, I have been experiencing its opposite.” At his father’s prompting, Spock went on to describe his increased mental health over the past three months - leaving out the emotional turmoil the last two days had brought.
Sarek considered Spock’s words for several moments, and then he finally said, “You are telsu.”
“No, Father,” Spock said, concealing his surprise. “I am not bonded. T’Pring is dead.”
“A bond is the only logical explanation. There are no records of an unbonded Vulcan with the mental health of which you speak. It is an impossible feat. We are a telepathic species who require a mental connection for optimal health.” Sarek dryly added, “May I offer my congratulations? I do hope you plan on introducing your bondmate to your father.”
Spock was too rattled to return his father’s dry wit. “I have not taken a bondmate," he insisted.
“Then you have formed a bond without your knowledge.”
“I do not see how.”
“It is a rare occurrence but by no means unheard of. Had you met a perfect mate, for example, your mind would have immediately sought to make that connection, with or without your conscious effort.” Sarek looked at him speculatively. “You would not have been able to control it - nor to even know your mind had created a bond - if you had telepathic shields in place.”
Spock shook his head. “I have been on the Enterprise since T’Pring’s death. For me to be bonded would require that my bondmate be on board and be a human.”
“Is that so difficult to believe? You are half-human, and there are many fine humans aboard the Enterprise. Your captain, for example - ”
Spock raised an eyebrow.
“Your captain is an inordinately intelligent and brave human. Vulcan owes him a great debt. One that was not well repaid by marooning him on Delta Vega.”
It was the closest to a reprimand Spock had received from his father in years. Outwardly Spock did not react but it stung nonetheless.
Sarek continued. "Spock, your telepathic shields would have prevented you from knowing of the bond’s existence, but your bondmate would certainly feel it. They would have been irresistibly drawn to you with their very soul. Has no one sought you these past three months? Not one aboard the Enterprise has tried to win your affection?”
Once-bright blue eyes, now blood-shot and dulled, sprang immediately to Spock’s mind.
I love him, Bones, I love him so much –
“There has been one,” Spock reluctantly admitted, his throat strangely tight. “I rejected his advances.”
“Rejected?” And Spock had to forcibly quell a sense of dread, because the idea of Spock’s rejection had horrified his father enough that a trace of emotion slipped into his voice. “You rejected him? Has he taken ill?”
The dread would not be contained; it spilled over into Spock’s mind. No, he thought, with rising terror. No – it can’t be – I can’t have–
"Why would he take ill?" he asked, trying desperately to keep his self-control.
“To be rejected by your bondmate is unthinkable, Spock. It could destroy the bond itself, and drive a Vulcan to madness and suicide. And imagine the suffering of a human, who has no telepathy to see the bond or even know of its existence. They would not understand what had been done to their mind. The repercussions such rejection could have on the delicate human psyche – it could break their mind, perhaps even kill – ”
“I must go,” Spock said, abruptly standing. “Immediately. I will contact you later.”
His father nodded, and raised one hand. “Live long and –”
But Spock had already left.
*****
As he crossed the lobby, Spock was trembling again. Was it possible that he had taken James Kirk as a bondmate, bonding the human to him without the human’s knowledge or consent? Only to shield himself from Jim completely, to cut Jim off, to reject him, to leave Jim and his psi-null mind helpless, with an abandoned, fledgling bond –
It’s like somethin’s dying in me. It’s in my heart. And my head. I don’t know what it is, but it needs Spock or it’s gonna die -
A bout of nausea hit Spock, so strong that he stumbled and had to put out a hand and catch himself on the hotel wall. Jim’s words from last night, how sick Jim looked, the darkness beneath his eyes, the weight loss, the pallor of his skin – all of it suddenly took on the potential for a terrible new meaning. He closed his eyes and rested his forehead against the wall, waiting for the sickness to pass.
He might have wronged Jim beyond forgiveness.
He needed to meditate. Immediately. The shields in his mind had to come down. It was true that if he wasn’t bonded to Jim, he was risking exposing himself to his broken mind link with T’Pring and to depression, emotional sickness and madness.
It was a risk he would have to take.
When he could walk again, he headed straight for the turbolift. He went to the hotel room he shared with Jim and McCoy, who were thankfully not present. It was still too much too loud, but it would have to do. He could not wait another minute.
He shut the window and the curtains, drowning out some of the noise of the street. He increased the temperature of the room to 48.6 degrees Celsius. He lit incense and sat cross-legged on his bed. Then he closed his eyes and let himself sink into meditation.
Spock stands in front of his shields, where he has built formidable mental walls between himself and the broken bond with T’Pring. In the center of the shields there is a crack, and from this crack pours the most amazing sense of golden light. Its allure draws him like a moth to flame. And behind the wall, something is trying desperately to reach him, pleading with him to rip down the wall, begging him to set it free.
With a single mental command, the shields collapse –
And Spock –
Falls in love.
7. Sensed
Kirk and Bones had just stepped into the hotel lobby when Kirk was hit by a rush of adoration/devotion/affection/love that barreled into his mind like a starship at Warp 8 and smacked right on into his heart.
He cursed in surprise, stumbled and would have fallen if Bones hadn’t grabbed him.
“Jim!”
Kirk used Bones’s arm to steady himself, and then straightened up. “It’s alright,” he said, letting go of Bones and taking another step. “I’m fi– shit,” he swore, as he was slammed by another barrage of feelings, this time guilt/shame/self-loathing/remorse.
He faltered but Bones was right there to catch him.
